On this rainy, gloomy Thursday, I sat at my desk at work, idling the afternoon away on gchat and reading the Style section of the Times.  With no errands to run, no letters to run up to City Hall, no cannolis to eat, I turned to the best website in the world: Wikihow.

Wikihow to tame a free spirit

Wikihow to make macaroni and cheese

Wikihow to hug someone shorter than you

Wikihow to whistle

Wikihow to have fun on Superbowl Sunday if you’re a girl

Basically, Wikihow tells me how to do everything I could ever want to do.  Which is awesome for some people.  Some people need to know exactly, minute by minute, how to make an eclair or how to pick a lock.  In fact, I could have used Wikihow to Pick a Lock last year when Rachel, Alex and I tried to break into the spare bedroom in their Commons apartment.  In retrospect, I’m very surprised at how mature we were, using a wire hanger to try and get that door unlocked, instead of staging fake illegal abortions (…again)

But I digress.

Wikihow is fantastic, but if you follow a guide step by step, the charm in doing whatever it is that you’re doing is lost somewhere along the way.  The journey to the endpoint becomes infinitely less exciting, because you know everything is already mapped out for you.  I guess some of the pages are helpful, such as How to Cheat a Polygraph Test and How to Remove an Ingrown Hair.  I certainly wouldn’t mind having a play-by-by instructing me how to remove a hair from under my skin so as not to get the area infected.  But Wikihow to Be the Most Irresistible Woman at a Party?  I mean, come on.  Do I really need instructions for that one?  My vote is no.  How about Wikihow to Think for Yourself? The second step is to “consider Agnosticism.”  Well, in going along with thinking for myself, I’m gonna decline that one.

Note: The most popular Wikihow is How to French Kiss.  As if describing each “step” wasn’t gross enough, there are pictures. I think this should have been titled “Wikihow to Gross Melissa Out”

If you’re just as gross out as I am, I’ll stop here, but not before leaving you with something better than two Asian people and their tongues.

Precious!

Precious!

Yes, her name is really Precious.  Shut up, I was 10 years old when I named her.  BUT ISN’T SHE ADORABLE??

(yes, I’m going to be an old cat woman)

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